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Love

Tis the season

The only decorations I have up this year are the cards I’ve received. They’re all taped to my door. I haven’t felt all that festive this season. Over at Fem Central they offered up the writing prompt for December of, “What don’t like about the holidays.” If you’re interested you can read what I wrote as posted on Wednesday.

In the past I’d hang decorations and trim my tree in an attempt to push away the bad feelings. This year I’ve decided there are no good feelings and no bad feelings. They are what they are and it’s important we accept them, feel all of them. If we keep repressing our feelings because they are “bad” they’ll just consume us. So, I’m going to allow myself to feel a little bit down, a little lonely. I’m going to embrace the sadness of missing my parents,  brother, and sister because I know that sadness could never exist if I had never felt their love. It’s by loving them and knowing how they love me that this sadness is here.

This year I vow to take comfort in the peace this solitude brings me, feel the sadness of loss and separation, and celebrate the love of my family and friends.

Happy Holidays everyone! My the new year bring you many joys and lots of love.

Why do I love the internet?

Yesterday I was reminded just how awesome the internet has been to me. I was headed to an appointment when I saw a woman walking toward me in a super cute pair of red boots. When I was able to tear my eyes away from her footwear, I realized I knew her. I’d had phone conversations and emails with her. We just hadn’t met face to face. We stopped and had our “Oh My God!” moment and hugged each other fiercely. That meeting made my week…heck I think it made my November.

When I go on job interviews and try to explain to the hiring manager why I’ve chosen to move from media buying to web development, I don’t think I articulate just how amazing my online experiences have been and how much it means to me.

My internet journey began with a WebTV. I bought it because my brother told me we could use it to meet up and talk in the chat rooms and it’d be cool. (And it was way cheaper than buying a computer and a subscription to AOL.) But chatting with my brother ended up becoming secondary to chatting with all the amazing people I met online. We’d discuss how to build websites (on GeoCities) using our WebTVs, (not so easy when you have no way to upload images ) share our love of Science Fiction, and bond over hardships as well as celebrate joys in life. Almost 15 years later, I’m still friends with many of those people. I’ve even met some of them in person. They are all very dear friends.

Even now I’m still meeting fabulous people online either through social media or online communities. I’ve found soul sisters, mentors, coaches and an amazing support system through my online friends. The internet has helped me to build a community, a family, of people that I can turn to with all kinds of different questions and issues.  I want so much to be able to create and add to this resource I’ve found. I want to help other people see what I’ve seen and find the same kind of community that I’ve found. I want to help people see the power in the internet. I want everyone to know what I know. Social media isn’t just another way for businesses to sell you things you don’t need. It’s a way for you to reach out to others and connect. Give it a try!

Failure

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

I need to ask myself this question far more often.  The past couple of weeks I allowed this fear of failure to get in my way. I made all kinds of excuses and talked myself out of doing my project for class. The only person I was hurting was me. Why did I let this fear of failure take over? I spent Monday & Tuesday of this week working on the project and aside from a much deeper belief that CSS was created to torment me, it was nothing. It was the easy-peasy thing I KNEW it would be, but still, that fear stopped me in my tracks. I turned in my assignment before checking it in other browsers. Luckily IE is the only one it doesn’t work in but if you’re still using IE you’re an idiot anyway and should die a terrible horrible painful death. Seriously people, grow some balls, install Chrome or FireFox or Opera, your life will be better for it. TRUST ME I’m a web developer in training!

Back to the topic of fear…

Fear the BEHOLDER!

Back to the fear and failure topic…  We all suffer from fear. What we fear is this thing that in our minds becomes this huge monstrous beast that will torment you and tear you limb from limb and eat your entrails while you take your final breaths. But the reality is never nearly as awful as what we create out of fear. Overcoming the fear is the hardest part. Realizing that what we’re afraid of will never be nearly as bad as what we create in our minds about the situation is really hard. Once you let go of the fear, you can move forward and as you take those first steps, you realize it was never going to be as bad as you were imagining. Why do we constantly do this to ourselves? Why do we create these monsters that stop us from finding joy and happiness? Why do we keep holding ourselves back? Are we really afraid of success? Is being happy such a terrible prospect? Don’t you think you deserve to be happy and successful?

Imagine a hero!

The mighty paladin rolls a crit and gets max damage!

Your imagination is a powerful thing, like all powerful things you need to use it for good. Instead of creating a monster, create a mighty hero, a vanquisher of evil. This warrior will fight to the death on your behalf. He has no fear. Imagine the most awesome things that will happen with this warrior fighting for you. Don’t focus on what can go wrong, focus on what WILL go RIGHT. Focus on what will be amazing as you move forward. Don’t focus on failure, focus on success. Feel that success in the fiber of your being.   Embrace that success and make it real. Ask yourself: what would you do if you knew you could not fail? When you focus on success, in the end, you can only succeed because you wont give up until you do.

Dear Dad,

my dad

My dad

This year marks 15 years without you on this earth. I miss you every day. There are so many times I want to just walk up to you and hug you and tell you how much I love you.

I know that if you were still here, there would be many issues we’d disagree upon. We would probably fight and I’d walk out thinking you’re a foolish old man who doesn’t understand the world today. I’d probably complain about your archaic way of thinking to my friends and how you say the most offensive things. But in the end, I’d accept that you would never change and I’d learn to avoid those subjects when around you.

I wish you had lived to see how I’ve learned to cook. I would love to get your opinion on some of the things I’ve made. I’d also like to get your recipe for Swedish Meatballs and that awesome cinnamon crumb cake you made in the cast iron frying pan. I’d like the chance to sit at the table with you, watching the news, waiting for you to shout out some nonsense word and then tell me it’s gingivitis backwards.

You were a really awesome dad. I never doubted your love for me. I know you wanted the best for all of us and you did everything you could to provide for your family.  Through all the crap that happens in life, I’m always able to find something to smile about. I credit you for giving me that ability. I treasure the sense of humor you gave me. You taught me to be independent and strong, to drive offensively- in every sense of the word, and through your actions you showed me what it means to have integrity.

I love you, Dad. I miss you.  Happy Father’s Day.

 

ALPACA QUEST 2011!

Today I embark on a journey to travel south-east to meet my alpaca! Well, it wont REALLY be mine. I don’t get to take it home and hug it and squeeze it and name him George. My lovely friends adopted the alpaca for me through the White Violet Farm which is part of the Ministry of the Sisters of Providence.

Pictures of me with my alpaca and perhaps a refresher on the background of why an alpaca of all things will follow. Until then sing sweets songs of “Sleepy Alpaca”  it goes something like this…

Warm alpaca
Soft alpaca
Little hooves with fur
Happy alpaca
Sleepy alpaca
Please don’t spit in my face

(lyrics by Tammy Green with finishing help from me)

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