Dread Pirate Alice

WWJD?

Jesus spammed me today…at my work email account.

The subject line says, “Timing is everything”. Apparently Jesus wants me to go to an online pharmacy and order some Cialis, Viagra, Xanax, Valium or Ambien among other drugs. The best deal is on the Valium only $1.79 per pill.

The puzzling thing is the odd string of text under the JPG photo of my 80% savings on pharmaceuticals. It begins:
“”do you havekitty looked offended, and turnedf: no, i wouldn’t like to live near the factory.
reproached him with his poverty, after spending his earnings recklessly. it “thunder of the sofas. there really seemed to be no means of escape, and as they realized
be very industrious during the gay season. but, while apparently amusing themselves”

I’m sure there is some sort of prophecy in this text seeing as how Jesus himself emailed it to me. I MUST investigate. I’ll let you know what I learn. If anyone is interested in exploring the teachings of Jesus via spam, let me know I’ll forward it to you.

I’m a friggin GENIUS!

This morning I was asked to do some research. One of our clients is going to run some ads in an Ireland newspaper. They are placing the ads through a guy who’s in Ireland. The client asked us to check things out to make sure this dude isn’t scamming them.

Off to Google I went, looking up the newspaper to find their rate information and ad sizes. I found the information I needed, however, they’re on the metric system over there. Their print ads aren’t 11.625″x21″ their ad sizes are 340mm x 530mm. How do I sort this out? I found the rate of 89.25 SCC. What the hell is SCC? Is Ireland on the Euro or still doing Pounds? What time is it there if I need to call someone?

I had to calm myself, and remember that Google loves me, Google is my friend and wants me to have the answers I seek. I printed out the page of rates and ad sizes, opened a new tab and did a search on SCC. I discovered that it means Single Column Centimeter. So it is in fact, similar to a “per column inch” rate here in America. All I had to do was take the total columns wide 8 columns (340mm = 8 columns) and convert the mm deep into cm. Not hard, if you look up mm to cm conversion on Google. That told me that there are 10 mm in 1 cm (YES, I had to look that up…when did you last use the metric system?) So, I took the 8 columns multiplied by 53 cm and got the total Column Centimeters of 424. (which for the Tribune, a full page is 6 columns x 21″ = 126 column inches). So I took the 424 x 89.25 and got the total cost in Euros – 37,842. And then I went to the Yahoo Finance currency converter and got the total cost in Dollars which is $49,745.18. Dude is charging the client $60,000 for a total of 3 ads. So.. yeah based on what I’ve found, he’s not cheating them or at the very least he’s not charging them the open rate. However, I can’t confirm that dude PLACED the ads but I can at least tell them what the cost would be if I were to call there now and try placing ads.

The fact that I was able to figure this all out ON MY OWN pleases me. I’m totally the smartest person in the world! I’m a GENIUS!! GO ME!