Dread Pirate Alice

Zes did it….

So I’ll do it too:

My uncle once: I think one of them joined AA…
Never in my life: Have I broken a bone.
When I was five: I still had blond hair.
High school was: crap at the time, but looking back it wasn’t so bad.
I will never forget: when I first met the boy.
I once met: Frankie Avalon.
Once at a bar: my friend got angry that someone knocked her coat on the floor, I had to restrain her from attacking the person.
By noon I’m usually: ready to go home.
Last night: had to yell at the dog again for eating the cat food.
If only I had: More MONEY!
Next time I go to church: It will be for my sister’s wedding.
I have a confession to make: I really just want to be a lazy do-nothing loafer
When I turn my head left: I see a window.
When I turn my head right: I see a printer.
You know when I’m lying when: I say I love my job.
Every day I think about: How to improve my life.
By this time next year: I will have lost half the weight I need to lose.
I have a hard time understanding: Why people are so incredibly stupid.
If I ever go back to school I’ll: Be even deeper in debt
You know I like you when: I get snarky and snippy with you.
If I won an award the first person I’d thank is: whoever made it possible for me to win.
My ideal breakfast is: eggs over easy with toast.
A song I love, but do not have is: Jeeze…I dunno…
If you visit my hometown, I suggest: turning around and going back to the expressway to get away. You really don’t want to be there…
Why won’t anyone: give me gobs of money?
If you spend the night at my house: I hope you don’t mind sleeping on the couch, the guest bed was given to the little sis.
I’d stop my wedding for: You mean like a big elaborate wedding? Like I’d stop planning it? well…i’m not having a big wedding, I’ll be going to Vegas and getting married by Elvis, I decided this a long time ago.
The world could do without: Stupidity.
I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Uhh…I don’t think I’d EVER want to lick the belly of a cockroach…
Paper clips are more useful than: screwdrivers….when it comes to hitting that little dot restart/reset button that’s hidden within the case of your gadget…
If I do anything well: It’s listening.
And by the way: I could really use a winning lottery ticket.
The last time I was drunk: uh….wow…it’s been a LONG TIME…

VIA:Zes

WARNING! WARNING!

This blog contains sarcasm, satrire, poor language, occasional bad poetry, odd haiku, along with a twisted and warped sense of humor. Not every post is the “God’s honest truth” most all posts contain some form of sarcastic humor that amuses me at the time.

Addendum OK, OK FINE…don’t push…jeeze… Yes, OK this blog also includes a lot of childish whining (are you happy now?) and yes…it also includes that American attitude of “it’s not my fault…I’m never wrong I don’t screw up….” yeah, there’s probably a lot of that too……..*grumble grumble…mutter….*

Those who may be offended by said sarcastic, twisted sense of humor should attempt to lighten up and not take everything so serioiusly. Good sources for humor and lightening up include: Jon Stewart, Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim lineup — in particular the Brak show, Spike TV’s MXC, the character Lennie Briscoe from Law & Order, Monty Python, “Dude, Where’s my car”, “Harold & Kumar go to White Castle” and a personal favorite, “The Pricess Bride”.

To anyone who has been offended by anything said in the past, obviously you don’t know me very well and aren’t reading this and hearing my voice in your head. Perhaps you should call me and have me do a spoken word performance for you.

In other news… I’ve received 3 more RSVP’s to the shower, there will now be a total of 4 people in addition to Sam and I. We’ll definitely need 3 six packs and perhaps 2 bottles of wine in order to really booze it up…